Off Limits!  What Never to Do at the Institute!
by Spark Writer
Summary: Constance Contraire's personal list of 50 things never, ever to do at the Institute for the Enlightened.  Read and enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! This is Constance's personal list of never, under-no circumstances, just-don't-do-it activities for the Institute! **

**Are you ready for this?**

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><p>1. Don't ask Mr. Curtain for a ride in his wheelchair (or) ask if he just left skid marks on a couple of Helpers.<p>

2. Don't stand in the hallway and ask students if they brushed their teeth that morning.

3. Don't ask Jillson if she finally got struck by lightning.

4. Don't ask Jackson when his face got in a fight with a wall.

4b. Or how that wall won…

5. Never remind Mr. Curtain that the acronym, "LIVE" spelled backward, is "EVIL."

6. Never tell an Executive that they needn't assign homework, because we can't actually go home to do it.

7. Don't make the mistake of falling into a Drapeweed death-trap…

8. "S.Q. ate my homework," is not an appropriate excuse.

9. Never tell Martina Crowe that striped pants make her look fat…even if it is tempting.

10. Mr. Curtain is not an animal lover—even if he does refer to them every time he gets angry. "Snakes and dogs!"

11. Never ask for a complimentary soda when sent to the Waiting Room.

12. Never tell Sticky that he often has a striking resemblance to Mahatma Gandhi.

13. Don't hand out free copies of Mr. Benedict's journal.

14. Don't make a big show of stage-whispering to Mr. Curtain when sent for an appointment with the Whisperer.

15. Don't tell Mr. Curtain that Santa Clause is wondering where his hair went.

16. Martina Crowe is not related to Mr. Curtain.

16b. Don't test that theory…

17. Don't start food fights in the cafeteria.

18. Don't use the phrase, "It's raining buckets," in front of Kate Wetherall.

19. Don't use Morse code to spell rude words…

20. But if you do, direct your flashlight at Mr. Curtain. Heehee…

21. A "Mr. Curtain Imitation Contest" never ends well.

22. Don't complain loudly about mice in the ceilings…

23. Never ask S.Q. if he excels at grape stomping.

24. Do not mass-produce copies of homework answers.

25. A yellow arrow is not always a sure fire direction to follow…

26. "78" is not the answer to every homework question.

27. Even if Sticky claims that it is.

28. Never ask Reynie for a friendly game of chess.

29. Never, under any circumstances do you present Jackson and Jillson with matching, "I'm with stupid," tee-shirts.

30. If sent to the Waiting Room, do not bellow "Highway to Hell" enroute.

31. Don't advise Mr. Curtain to hang a "No Whispering" sign in his Whispering Gallery.

32. Kate is not my older sister.

33. Don't challenge S.Q. to a foot-race.

34. Never tell a Helper a knock-knock joke.

35. Never let Jillson catch you when climbing into the celling. The consequences may be dire…

36. Don't forget to throw peas at Messengers. Just not Sticky and Reynie.

37. Don't make a sock-puppet of Martina Crowe and run it through a paper shredder. It's not funny. _Why are you still laughing?_

38. Don't tell Sticky when you hide his "Orchid Variety" trilogy.

39. Never ask Kate if she was born part monkey.

40. Don't ever ask Mr. Curtain if he needs a hug.

a breath mint, for that matter.

42. Don't try to teach S.Q. to play soccer.

43. If Martina Crowe falls asleep in class, do not take advantage of that and draw a spectacular handlebar mustache on her face.

44. Life would not be better if Mr. Curtain fell into one of his drape weed traps. Wait, what am I saying, OF COURSE IT WOULD!

45. Never catch Jackson kissing his reflection.

46. Don't throw spitballs at Sticky when he falls asleep in class.

47. Do not ask Jillson for a chummy pillow fight.

48. Don't ask Mr. Curtain if his wearing green plaid suits has to do with a strong Scottish heritage.

49. Never spike Mr. Curtain's juice.

50. Despite your personal beliefs, Mr. Curtain would not be better off when carrying a yo-yo.

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><p><strong>Well? I hope you find this as amusing as was hoped! Review!<strong>

**-Spark Writer-**


	2. Things Never to do at Mr B's house

**Hi! These took me awhile to think up, but I hope you enjoy them. **

**Coming soon: What Never To Do With a Ten Man**

**Bye!**

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><p>. In no way can you ever sneak up on a sleeping Milligan.<p>

2. Don't ask Number Two why she isn't called Number One.

3. The phrase, "Drape weed is a harmless plant," should never be used as a proper measure of safety.

4. Use extreme caution when carrying a briefcase in Milligan's presence.

5. Making Eggs Benedict for Mr. Benedict is only funny once.

6. Never slide down the stairs on your rump, then claim that it was a kind gesture of household cleanliness.

7. glue a pair of googly eyes to the bottom of Sticky's hot chocolate mug.

8. Don't ever make the mistake of standing between Moocho and an ice cream vendor.

9. Despite his looks, Moocho is not part giant.

10. If Mr. Benedict walks into the room, never leap behind a sofa, convinced you've just seen Mr. Curtian.

11. Don't hand out signs to various household members marked with, "Mr. Benedict: 5, Mr. Curtain: 0."

12. Never present Sticky Washington with the powdered wig of his namesake.

13. Don't write rude poetry and slip it into people's underwear drawer.

14. Mr. Benedict is not your personal Jesus.

15. When Rhonda asks you to tell everyone that dinner is ready, do not bellow this announcement into the heating duct, amplifying your voice power ten-fold…

16. If Number Two asks you to complete an assignment, do not wildly feign amnesia, staggering about and blathering nonsense. She will see through this.

17. But if you do attempt amnesia, be sure to ask where the candy is kept, as that will restore your memory.

18. Never gossip with Mrs. Perumal. Her lack of hearing could make the results disastrous…

19. Don't tell Mr. Benedict a joke until he's done swallowing his water.

20. Never wake the house by slipping into the maze and ringing the bell until someone (Number Two) strangles you.

21. Madge is not a dog—she does not take kindly to cuddling.

22. Never scream, "It's a freaking Ten Man, run!" in the middle of breakfast.

23. Don't stick double sided tape on the end of a toilet paper roll, leaving the bathroom's occupant in acute distress.

24. If ever informed of Mr. Curtain's death, do not fling the windows open and ecstatically belt, "Ding dong, the Witch is Dead," to the whole of Stonetown.

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><p><strong>Review?<strong>

**-Spark Writer-**


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